One of the hardest things to do in life is ending a relationship or making a decision to leave, even when you are being hurt and especially when you're still in love. The conundrum here is that love is suppose to conquer all, but the truth is love alone just simply is not enough to stay and choosing to endure the pain, is too much of a price to pay.
People grow apart. That is inevitable. Priorities shift. That's life. Desire wanes. That's unfortunate. Interests change. That's predictable. Infidelity happens. That's betrayal. Abuse occurs. That's unacceptable. Trust is broken. That's the beginning of the end. Loving them is hurting you. That is the time to go. These are among the countless reasons why bonds are severed and relationships come to an end. But nothing is more insidious than loving someone who is hurting you. TRUE LOVE DOES NOT HURT, IT HEALS.
Any place where you are enduring this pain is not a safe space Sis. Abuse, no matter what face it shows up as, be it physical, emotional, verbal or psychological, should be an automatic deal breaker. Full stop!
I won't even address your abuser's actions. I'm more concerned about you. Specifically, what you believe about yourself. What you are learning about yourself as you bear this unbearable pain. Whether you think you somehow deserve to be treated this way. YOU DON'T. Whether you are carrying around remnants of abuse that caught the eye of your abuser. THAT IS POSSIBLE. I wonder if you know that you are entirely lovable and deserving of everything good that is trying to find its way to you. THAT'S A FACT. Whether you want to reclaim who you were before you became who you have become. THAT IS YOUR DECISION. Whether you think it's your responsibility to heal him, to make him happy, to love him even though he's hurting you. I can tell you IT IS NOT!
“The saddest thing about being hurt so much is being able to say that you are used to being treated that way.” – Unknown
I can't help but wonder where you got the idea that this is what love looks like. IT CERTAINLY ISN'T. I can't dispute your feelings, you feel what you feel. But at the end of the day, they are just feelings. I am not convinced it is love.
No judgment here Sis, but have you considered the amount of strength it takes to get up each day knowing you will face another crime scene where you are the victim? You are stronger than you realize. YOU NEED TO BELIEVE THAT. The fact that you are asking whether you should leave is evidence that you know you MUST. I pray you can. I hope you will. But as I said earlier, love is simply not enough to stay. All love is not equal.
In time, your feelings will change. THEY ALWAYS DO. Your heart will mend. IT HAS THE POWER TO. But a shift in how you think will take a more deliberative action on your part. I would suggest you give some thought to the origin of your thoughts and how they have contributed to where you are in this moment. I don't know the story behind the story. There is more you must explore about how you got here.
This thing you are CHOOSING to experience requires further examination on your part. No one is coming to save you. Someone once said, you can't save a damsel in distress if she is in love with her distress. Are you in love with your distress? YOU COULD BE. Examine that.
“Even when you feel like your pain is killing you, remember that you are the one who can kill your pain.” – Unknown
As a gentle reminder, I just want you to know, YOU DESERVE BETTER. You have within you everything you need to be all you want to become. But you cannot and will not heal in the same environment that broke you. The way I see it, you have two options, you can leave and save yourself, or choose to stay and betray yourself. I can tell you what I would do, but this is not my decision, it is yours. The choice has always been yours.
“If someone keeps on hurting you, you have to decide if you want to love them and stay, or you can decide to love yourself and choose to leave.” – Unknown